Okay, how can you have a Military Bowl with no military teams in it? Oh well. Maryland (8-4) vs. East Carolina (6-6) Washington D.C. Dec. 29 2:30 p.m. ESPN zzzzzz…

Texas Bowl Wake me when it’s over. Illinois (6-6) vs. Baylor (7-5) Houston, Tex. Dec. 29 6 p.m. ESPN

Alamo Bowl Unlike the original Alamo, the Cowboys win this one big. Oklahoma State (10-2) vs. Arizona (7-5) San Antonio, Tex. Dec. 29 9:15 p.m. ESPN

Why is the Armed Forces Bowl in Fort Worth, Texas? There is nothing about that city that makes me think of the Armed Forces. It seems to me they are preying on our patriotism.  SMU (7-6) vs. Army (6-5)    Dec. 30 Noon ESPN

Pinstripe Bowl Who thought outdoor sports in New York City in December was a good idea? Football at Yankee Stadium has been done. It was boring. So are these teams. Kansas St. (7-5) vs. Syracuse (7-5) Bronx, N.Y. Dec. 30 3:20pm ESPN

Music City Bowl North Carolina disappointed to be 7-5 vs. Tennessee thrilled to be 6-6. Nashville, Tenn. LP Field Dec. 30 6:40pm ESPN

Holiday Bowl Oh, come on now! Hasn’t Washington’s Jake Locker (6-6) suffered enough from his stupid decision to return for his senior year? Nebraska (10-3) romps. San Diego Qualcomm Stadium Dec. 30 10pm ESPN

The Florida International fans’ dilemma: “Okay, kids. What do you want to do for Christmas this year: go to the beach or go to the Little Caesars Bowl in Detroit? Okay. Don’t forget the suntan oil.” Toledo (8-4) vs. Florida International (6-6) Dec. 26 ESPN 8:30pm

The Karma Bowl (aka: Independence Bowl) Last year the Georgia Tech fans had a good laugh at Georgia fans for going to the Indy Bowl in Shreveport, La. The tables have turned, Nerds. Air Force (8-4) vs. Georgia Tech (6-6) Dec. 27 ESPN 5pm

The Crybaby Bowl (aka: Maaco Las Vegas Bowl) pairs the two biggest BCS complainers in Utah (10-2) and Boise State (11-1). There is only one answer and listen good: PLAY A TOUGHER NON-CONFERENCE SCHEDULE! Dec. 22 ESPN 8pm.

The Poinsettia Bowl will have an interesting crowd. San Diego State (8-4) is going to their first bowl since 1998 on their home field. However, the USA’s biggest Naval base is also in San Diego. Rest assured there will be some boisterous sailors to cheer on Navy (8-3). Dec. 23 ESPN 8pm.

Hawaii Bowl How fair is it for a team to play a bowl game on their home field? Not very, but if you normally play football in a dust bowl, this is like a dream come true. Hawaii (10-3) vs. Tulsa (9-3), Dec. 24 ESPN 8pm.

December 18 brings us the first three of 35 bowl games of the season and boy are they stinkers.

The Toilet Bowl (aka the New Mexico Bowl), Albuquerque, N.M. The poster child for too many bowls: BYU (6-6) vs. UTEP (6-6). I think I’d rather watch that video from “The Ring” but if you dare: ESPN 2pm.

The Freeze Your Nurtz Off Bowl (aka: Humanitarian Bowl) played on the most ridiculous field in America. Forecast for Boise, Idaho is a high of 35°F and 80% chance of snow. This is Northern Illinois‘ and Fresno State‘s punishment for thinking they are viable programs. ESPN 5:30pm.

The Unnecessary Bowl (aka the New Orleans Bowl) played – guess where – in a dump stadium in a dump city. Sorry to sound insensitive but Brangelina are mistaken. That city is through. If you go and value your life, do not stray too far outside the French Quarter. Troy vs. Ohio. ESPN 9pm

2 left out:
W. Michigan – no big surprise at 6-6 – MAC
Temple – a small surprise in that they were 8-4. But, MAC had 4 teams with better overall+conf records. Nobody wants the 5th place MAC team in their bowl.

1 screwed themselves:
Arizona State upset Arizona to get to 6-6. However, two of their wins were against I-AA teams and count as one win. They filed a waiver but no dice. Schedule stronger, Sun Devils.

6-6 teams in bowl games:
Florida Intl – tied Troy for the Sun Belt championship – lamest conf ever.
Middle Tenn – #3 Sun Belt
E Carolina – C-USA had 6 bowl tie-ins. ECU was #5
UTEP -  #6 C-USA.
BYU – playing UTEP in the New Mexico Bowl, ugh.
Georgia
Georgia Tech
Illinois
Kentucky
Louisville
Tennessee
Washington
Clemson
Army – 6-5 and probably loses to Navy this Saturday.

1 loss is all it takes:
Boise will play Utah in the Maaco Bowl in Las Vegas on December 22. Fittingly enough, that is a Wednesday – one of their favorite days to play on.

10 Bowls we can do without:
New Mexico Bowl, Albuqurque, NM – BYU (6-6) vs. UTEP (6-6) – zzzzzzzzzz…
New Orleans Bowl, New Orleans, LA – Troy (7-5) vs. Ohio (8-4) – N.O. already has the Sugar Bowl. Do they really need another in that run down old relic?
St. Petersburg Bowl, St. Petersburg, FL – Louisville (6-6) vs. Southern Miss (8-4) – another crappy game in another crappy dome.
Military Bowl, Washington DC – Maryland (8-4) vs. East Carolina (6-6) – no offense to our armed forces but these two bowls are just useless.
Armed Forces Bowl, Fort Worth, TX – SMU (7-6) vs. Army (6-5) – I love our military but do we really need two of these bowls using up money that could go to the actual military?
Pinstripe Bowl, New York, N.Y – Syracuse (7-5) vs. Kansas State (7-5) – football in Yankee Stadium with two mediocre teams…yawn. Been there, done that.
GoDaddy.com Bowl, Mobile, AL – Miami (Ohio) (9-4) vs. Middle Tennessee State (6-6) – they will be lucky to half fill the stadium
BBVA Compass Bowl, Birmingham, AL – Pittsburgh (7-5) vs. Kentucky (6-6) – that name just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
Humanitarian Bowl, Boise, ID – Northern Illinois (10-3) vs. Fresno State (8-4) – YES! Idaho in December! That is exactly where I want to be!
Little Caesars Bowl, Detroit, MI – Toledo (8-4) vs. Florida International (6-6) – Right, I am spending my Christmas in Detroit instead of Miami.

74½:
The over/under is for Auburn vs. Oregon is 74½. Take the over!

6-6 SEC & ACC:

• Georgia
• Kentucky
• Tennessee
• Clemson
• Georgia Tech

.

Ugh, how’d you like to have one of these 6-6 dogs in your bowl?

• Brigham Young
• Louisville
• East Carolina
• UTEP
• Western Michigan
• Florida International
• Troy

.

6-5:

• Illinois – last game @ Fresno State (7-4), no gimme
• Pittsburgh – last game @ Cincy, Pitt is 1.5 pt underdog
• Army – last game Navy, Navy prob wins

.

5-6 with one to play:

• Washington – last game at Wash St, UW should win
• Middle Tennessee – last game at Fla Intl (6-5, 6-1 Sun Belt Champ) – FIU probably wins this one.
• Louisiana Tech – last game vs. #17 Nevada – La Tech probably finishes 5-7
• Oregon State – last game vs. #2 Oregon – always an exciting game but not this year, Beavers.
• Arizona State – last game at #23 Arizona – ASU 6 pt underdog.

In the SEC, Auburn wins at Alabama 28-27 to stay undefeated. Arkansas upsets LSU 31-23 to possibly sneak their way into the Sugar Bowl. UGA and Tennessee both win to become bowl eligible.

Going Bowling:

SEC will again send ten teams to bowl games. The Pac 10 currently has THREE teams bowl eligible. Oregon State would need a miracle win over #2 Oregon to get to 6 wins. Washington has to win at Washington State.

SEC – 10

ACC – 9

Big Ten – 8

Big XII – 8

Pac 10 – 3

To date, there are 35 bowls and 70 bowl eligible teams including such 6-win stalwarts as UTEP, Western Michigan, Florida International and Troy.

Army (Armed Forces), Navy (Poinsettia) and Air Force (tba) will all go bowling. Congratulations to our awesome military academies!

Teams that needed a home win to become bowl eligible and lost:

Texas A&M defeated Texas 24-17 in Austin. Sad.

All Louisiana-Monroe had to do was beat lowly La.-Lafayette (3-9). Laffers win 23-22.

Cal and shifty head coach Jeff Tedford lose in Berkeley to Washington (5-6) 16-13.

Now to the fun part: the HAHA awards.

Top HAHA this week goes to Boise who lost to Nevada 34-31. God bless the Wolfpack for exposing these imposters. You did not belong. Now go away.

Georgia Tech (6-6) fans got pretty cocky after beating UGA in 2008 and then winning the ACC in 2009. It’s been all downhill from there. The Jackets lost their second straight to a weak Georgia (6-6) team who was looking to become bowl eligible 42-34.

Miami loses to South Florida? At home? Pathetic.

Rich Rodriguez might be on his way out in Ann Arbor finishing 7-5 and losing yet again to Ohio State 37-7. This was the Buckeyes 7^th straight win over Michigan.

Kansas finished 3-9 under coach Turner Gill. Professional loudmouth Charles Barkley called Auburn racist for not hiring Gill. I think things turned out okay for the Tigers.

Mixed feelings HAHA of the Week:

Despite three Notre Dame interceptions and a fumble, Lame Kiffin and his uninspired USC Trojans lost to the Irish in L.A. 20-16. Both teams finish 7-5.

Game of the WEAK:
Buffalo (2-10) feeling charitable, allowed Akron to get their first and only win of the season 22-14.

Several teams were on the brink of big upsets and blew it:

#5 LSU survived Ole Miss 43-36. The Rebels led 36-35 with under 5 to play.

#17 Iowa seemed pretty content to lead #9 Ohio State 17-10 in the 4^th because they could not stop the Buckeye offense after that while twice going three-and-out. Final: OSU 20 Iowa 17.

San Diego State was up on #23 Utah 34-24 but details are what usually separate good teams from not so good teams. After the Utes cut the lead to 3, they blocked a 4^th quarter punt and recovered it on the 3 yard line. You know what’s next.

Purdue on the brink of a big win over #12 Michigan State blew a 15 point 4^th quarter lead. The Spartans took the win 35-31.

HAHAs:

#8 Nebraska proved once again, they are NOTHING without quarterback Taylor Matrinez. Texas A&M wins 9-6.

The Big 10 looked like chumps this week. With Illinois playing Northwestern at Wrigley Field, it should have been a great celebration of college football, but they turned it into big friggin’ joke. First was the release of photos of the playing field showing one end line ¼ of a stride from a brick wall. Then the Big 10, Illinois and Northwestern officials knocked their three stooges heads together two days before kickoff and decided it was unsafe – this coming months after all had approved everything. Both teams were forced to attack the west end zone – even on a Northwestern interception return, the refs made the Wildcats go to the other end to kick the extra point – as well as sharing a sideline. The Big 10 looked like idiots.

I cannot sign-off without throwing out the HAHA of the Week: Lame Kiffin and his lame-o daddy D-coordinator lost to Oregon State 36-7. Pat Haden would be best served to give Kiffin and his goons (coaching staff) pink slips and start fresh in 2011.

HAHA to Utah for losing two in a row, to TCU and  to Notre Dame?! Wow, you must be bad to lose to a team who lost to Tulsa. Utah has a possibility of losing three in a row when they face San Diego State (7-3). Too bad Boise doesn’t have a schedule like this.

Speaking of losing three in a row, the Ramblin’ Wreck has done broke! Three straight L’s for Georgia Tech: Clemson, Virginia Tech and Miami. If they are not careful and do not look ahead to the showdown with UGA, Duke will make it four.

Speaking of Duke, they peed on Virginia’s parade. After beating Miami and going to 4-4, they were feeling pretty good about bowl eligibility. Then they rolled over for Duke and Maryland. UVa ends the season at Virginia Tech. Call it. Time of death, November 6, 2010, 3:00pm.

Some stupid people started talking up Baylor just because they beat Texas. Well, who hasn’t beaten Texas? After sitting at 7-2 and ranked #25, the Bears ran smack into Big XII reality with back-to-back losses to Oklahoma State and Texas A&M by a collective score of 97-58.

Jake Locker, is this why you came back for your senior year? The Washington Huskies (3-6) quarterback turned down being picked #1 in the 2010 NFL draft and millions of dollars so that he could get the crap kicked out of him for free.

Somehow, the Arizona Wildcats made it to 7-2 and ranked #15. Stanford and Southern Cal changed all that. Up next, #1 Oregon. Welcome back to also-ran status.

Last week, Kansas State and UCF snuck their way into the Top 25 and abruptly lost. What is this? Everybody Gets a Trophy Day?

• TCU remaining opponents: San Diego State, @New Mexico.
• Utah remaining opponents: @Notre Dame, @San Diego State, BYU.

#6 Alabama at #10 LSU is always a big game but this year’s game will help determine the winner of the SEC West. Both teams are 7-1, 4-1. If Bama wins, they still have a shot at the BCS. If the Tigers prevail, they have a chance but need to defeat Arkansas and have Auburn lose to UGA or the Tide.

* For those of you out there that want a playoff in college football, open your eyes! You have one. Michigan State and Mizzou were eliminated last Saturday. This weekend, two of the above teams will be gone.

Shhh. Sleeper alert: Hawaii has quietly gone 7-2 including a win over Nevada and putting up 36 points on Southern Cal (but giving up 49). On Saturday, they travel to that idiotic blue field in Boise. Shhh. Don’t tell anyone, but might the Rainbow Warriors pull an upset? How awesome would that be?